Please send in your questions and I’ll do my very best to answer each one individually. One quesiton will be selected and featured each month. See this month's featured question below.
Question of the Month
Danielle in Port St. Lucie, FL writes:
“I have an 11 year old boy and a soon to be 2 year old little girl. They love each other very much, but both tend to get on each others nerves. It’s hard not to get upset with our 11 year old because he is so much older and should “know better”. I don’t want him to end up resenting his sister though. Sometimes when he plays with her he’ll chase her, make monster noises or try to pick her up, and she does not like it at times. Do you have suggestions so that I am constantly not on my son’s case? Also, when it comes to sharing is there a “golden rule” to adhere to. (Yes, my son still likes to play with blocks). Thanks for your help!”
Dear Danielle,
The situation you’re dealing with is not uncommon and most parents have a difficult time. In fact, sibling rivalry is one of the most frustrating parenting challenges. Since your daughter is not quite old enough you’re going to need to help to set some clear limits on what is acceptable and what is not for her. However, you can start teaching her to say “No” or “Stop” and your son will need to understand that he needs to respect her limits when she talks as well. What helps in this type of situation is to have a clear understanding before things escalate. Then, when your son oversteps the boundary or limit there needs to be a clear and immediate consequence, related to the event.
For example, your son is pestering your daughter. You say to him ONE TIME in a calm tone of voice, “I am not willing to let you do that to your sister. If you continue, then you will need to play in your room for the next hour, rest of the evening, whatever seems appropriate”. That’s the end of it. Firm and kind is the key. Keep the focus on the event, not the person. It will take several scenarios like this for him to learn where your limits are regarding your daughter. Expect things to get worse if this is a new tactic. Most likely you’ve tried this in the past – they key is consistency. Once he learns that you mean business he’ll come around.
It’s just as important that your daughter learns to respect your son’s limits. She will also need to have consequences if she oversteps. It could be as simple as just picking her up and moving her to another room. You may have to do this ten times after each other before she gets it. She will though.
Once you’re daughter is a little older you can work on helping them to negotiate win-win solutions between themselves, while not taking sides.
Regarding the sharing of toys, it is important for each child to have certain toys that are theirs only – that they don’t have to share. When they are in a situation where they need to share, then have them “take turns” instead of sharing. Little ones, especially around your daughter’s age, tend to view their possessions as part of themselves and the idea of “sharing” can be difficult. Tip: Sometimes it’s helpful to have a timer for taking turns.
